Chat Her Up!: June 2005

Friday, June 24, 2005

The Buyer's Guide - Connecting your Wallet to Your Woman...Safely

Yes, I'm back. Pardon? No, I didn't join the cast of "Lost", the series, I was just out digging into the private lives of your sweet temptresses, for YOUR benefit (might I add!)

Which has led me to the the spectacular presentation of "The Buyer's Guide - Connecting your wallet to your woman...safely". This little slice of brilliance will transfer Retail Therapy from her vengeance, to your peace of mind, so without further delay.....The Buyer's Guide.

Mood Buying

The Bad Mood
Your lady has developed a bad case of Mouth Trauma and you can't do anything right. The solution: accompanied by your wallet (which is securely in your zip-up pocket, with tiny padlock attached), make a dash to the florist, and purchase her a HUGE bunch of deep red roses. This spells love, affection and understanding (where chocolate spells F-A-T, and jewellery spells B-A-N-K-R-U-P-T-C-Y). Her smile will bloom, her bad mood disipate like dew in the sun, and she will think that you're just the greatest.

The It's-Your-Fault Mood
This is the worst case scenario, where you'd rather be visiting your mother-in-law and looking at all her old wedding albums, than be in the same room with Hitl-her. Now you may be tempted to offer her a choice of gold, silver or platinum...but DON'T! This is the easiest way to elicit a personal invitation from your bank manager, to a party where the band is Bad Boys (in) Blue. Now's the time where you play your finest hand - full house. Candles, poetry, (those nice red roses you bought ;-)...boy are you a kamikazi relationship pilot... and I hope you know your way around the kitchen, 'cause you're going to be this ship's captain today! But whoa there before you hike up your skirts and high-tail it out of there - think how grateful your wallet will be!

Occasion Buying

Anniversaries
This one is interpreted as a WW(W)E (World Wallet Wrestling) spectacle. If the thoughts of spending thousands on a tiny bracelent make you whimper like a hadida on helium, do not fret! The answer is as simple is saying-the-alphabet-backwards-in-Latin (just kidding!). All you need to do is pick up the first thing you see whilst walking the dog (no, not its doodles) and slap a symbolic meaning onto it (usually involving love and how gorgeous she is) that will make her sigh with the pure romance of it! Hope you know how to rhyme Romeo.......

Well, we'll have to continue with the Buyer's Guide at a later stage mi amores...time ticks by, and I've got to fly!

Luv, Your Girl